I Went Through Three Years Of Hell

I went through three years of hell. When I say hell I mean constant torture of my being. Doom, gloom, depression, anxiety, voices in my head, inflammation, constipation, headaches, brain fog, fatigue. I was in a daze, lost, confused, and ill.

I thought “What did I do to deserve this?” Nihilism started to set in and I was deep in the shadows. I was close to killing myself many times but I kept on going.

What kept me going? Deep down I had a love for life. Everyone has this they just don’t know how to access it. When I had chronic illness the voice of love, my higher self was quiet but it still could be heard and I listened to it even though the suffering was unbearable at times.

I quit social media because I couldn’t handle the energy and the only ones who knew were my immediate family. The life I had before with playing football at a high level, having a purpose, friends, all fell away from me. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had no energy.

I’m glad that I documented all of this in my journals because I look back with gratitude seeing where I was.

So what happened to me? The world is becoming a more toxic place day after day. Agrochemicals, heavy metals, air pollution, parasites, estrogens, Lyme, processed foods, endotoxins, mycotoxins, and much more all hit me like a truck. Our society is still in the dark ages. This isn’t to put fear into you. You will never truly heal out of fear. Healing comes with clarity, truth, love, and consciousness.

What’s tricky about toxicity is that it sneaks up on you like a black widow crawling up your back. Then it bites you and all of a sudden your life is ruined. Even when I was sick I could realize after doing research, meeting people, and experiencing that there were and are people who had it worse than me.

For anyone who is going through chronic illness, I want you to understand that illness is God’s greatest gift. It gives you the perfect chance to envision and build your life the way YOU want it to be. Not what your friends, parents, wife, husband, or culture expect of you. In our current world, everything is about quickness, speed, and going faster! What illness, depression, fatigue, brain fog, and all these things give you is space. They hand you the pencil so that you can write a different story.

Contemplation, rest, and patience are all crucial to consciously creating your life. Questions like who am I? What do I want? Where do I want to live? What is my purpose? All come to the forefront of your being. This is a tricky and difficult process because the ego doesn’t want to let go of what it used to have or what it once was. My ego still clings to the past! All that matters is that you keep doing the work, pushing forward, and developing your love for life.

You might be asking how I got out of hell and started to create my heaven. After many breakdowns, I had a breakthrough. I had the insight that all of this meant nothing. With that, my nihilism went full circle into infinite meaning and love. It wasn’t what I expected.

For three years I was meaningless, lost, and confused but after those years of spiritual work (with some psychedelics) I blossomed. The cocoon broke! After this, I found out about detoxification and gardening. Being in nature, healing my nervous system, coffee enemas, liver flushes, heavy metal chelation, handling parasites, minerals, vitamins, and much more.

This is what my work is about. Don’t worry I’ll be with you throughout this process because in the famous words of Helen Keller “Alone we can do very little but together we can do so much.”